In this blog post we discuss "how" to tell your kids about divorce, “when” is the best time to tell them, and “what” to say.
Stu Webb, author of “The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method that Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs, and Happier Kids, Without Going to Court” wrote that “even under the best circumstances divorce is fraught with emotions but what is most important is how parents conduct themselves during divorce.”
Rosalind Sedacca, CDC and founder of Child Centered Divorce is an expert divorce and parenting coach. She has dedicated her professional life to helping parents navigate divorce with the best interests of their children front and center. Through her in person or virtual sessions, e-books and other resources, she has been a great resource for our clients and divorcing families beyond the Denver metro area.
We asked Rosalind the following questions to get a better idea of the how, when and what to say to your children about divorce.
Help them put what they are feeling into words and validate those words and let them know that you hear what they are saying and that you understand they’re sad/angry/hurt/confused. Ask follow up questions like, if you’re sad, do you need a little alone time? Or do you want to meet up with a friend? Don’t leave it open ended and say something like, “I know you’re sad, so what should we do about that?” Give them choices so they have control over how they will manage their feelings as they will likely feel a loss of control over what is happening between you and your spouse.
No, it is imperative to have both parents present when you talk to your children about your divorce.
Your attitude is everything and if you come off as anxious, stressed and upset, it is likely your children will sense that and even mimic it. David Code, who wrote the book Kids Pick Up On Everything: How Parental Stress Is Toxic To Kids, has made a career of pulling together the evidence from a handful of labs around the world, which have suggested that parents’ levels of chronic stress can seriously impact a child’s development.
1) "This is not your fault." This is usually an issue for children 7 years old and under. During their early learning years most of their unpleasant experiences were their fault. "Don't touch" Don't hit" etc. They were learning acceptable behavior and the focus was on what they had done wrong. So it is natural to for them to blame themselves for the turmoil in the family.
2) You are and will be safe. Children crave reassurance and even if the word divorce is something they’re familiar with, they need to understand that it won’t place them in any kind of unsafe situation. Especially with young children, change must be approached gingerly as they are very used to “the way things are”
3) We will always be your parents even if we’re not married to each other.
4) We will always love you even though the love between us has changed. It may help to distinguish between the kind of love between partners and the love children have for their parents.
5) We are still a family beyond divorce. At the Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado, we recognize that while the marriage ends, the family bonds remain. Divorcing couples trust us to create a post divorce reality that respects these wishes.
6) We’re working together to move through the divorce process and you can talk to both of us.
You might need to reiterate the themes more than once, especially for younger children.
You don't need to know all the details about who will spend which days with which parent, it’s not about digging into the details at this point, it is about making sure they understand the bigger picture.
Even with older children, you still want to let them know you hear them and that their feelings are valid.
It’s not just what you say, but how you say it.
Remember that co-parenting will last for a lifetime.
Yes. A great resource that is age specific can be found here.
When you are both on the same page about doing what’s best for the children. You can’t tell them if one spouse doesn’t have respect for the other spouse’s role as parent. If one spouse is angry and unreasonable, the two of you should work on these issues before you can have the conversation with your children.
Peaceful solutions are possible when you and your soon to be ex-spouse agree to put your personal feelings aside. This is tricky territory for parents and we recommend seeking a divorce coach like Rosalind Sedacca or the Divorce Resource Centre’s divorce coach, Suzanne Chambers Yates to help you approach these emotional issues with the clarity and focus they demand. To discuss divorce coaching services, or mediation in general, call 303-468-5626 or schedule a complimentary consultation.
Forms include: Asset Worksheet, Household Goods Inventory, Financial Checkup, Priorities Worksheet and Mandatory Financial Disclosures.
In part 2 of "Attaining Financial Independence," we cover "All Things Credit" including:
Let's discuss the scenario where one party wants to remain in the home, but they are the spouse who earns less.
According to Michelle Oddo of Oddo Group, a lending expert with 25 years experience, get advice from a lender as soon possible. The quicker you sort out housing, the easier it will be to address other divorce issues. It's hard to worry about anything else if you don't know where you, or your children, will sleep.
A lending professional determines if the spouse who wants to stay in the marital home has enough income or expected child and spousal support to sustain the mortgage. For conventional loans, a spouse would need to prove six months of income or support to be refinanced. If it is a FHA or VA mortgage loan, the spouse will only need to show three months of expected support payments to continue for three years.
If the spouse does not have the income or support payments, and it's a conventional loan, Oddo recommends refinancing since mortgage rates are still low and conventional loans are not assumable.
Michelle Oddo recommends a secured credit card. Even one with a low limit of $300, used to pay recurring charges can quickly help either build or repair credit.
Ms. Oddo warns spouses in this situation to be wary of paying off the balances and closing the cards. As soon as they are closed, you lose that credit history. If you end up wanting to secure another loan post divorce, it is better to have a credit history rather than none at all.
When a client's credit situation is overly complicated and beyond the advice of a lending professional, the Oddo group can refer you to a trusted credit repair company that has assisted their clients.
Ms. Oddo: It all depends on the kind of payment plan they have selected and whether Freddie Mac or Fannie Mae loans are involved. Typical payment plans are income based and conventional student loans. Those with an income based payment have a higher debt to income ratio since it takes them longer to pay down the principal on the loan. If a party is in deferment on their student loans, i.e. not making any payments at all, their debt to income ratio is likely too high to support a creditor letting them open up a line of credit in their name and they would need a co-signer.
Credit and debit cards are used in nearly identical ways. However, there are some significant differences you need to understand.
When you spend with a credit card, you are spending borrowed money! Sometimes people use credit cards for monthly purchases or to take advantage of points or rewards. Be sure to pay credit cards off in full each month so that fees aren’t incurred. Don't leave small balances on credit cards that build up over time and carry interest charges.
Debit cards are tied directly to your checking account. If you don’t have the funds to cover the deduction and don’t have overdraft protection, the charge is declined and you are charged a hefty fee. With overdraft protection, the bank honors the deduction and you pay interest to the bank.
One of the most significant differences between the two is the liability limit for fraudulent transactions. Under the Fair Credit Billing Act, with a credit card, you have no or minimal liability for unauthorized charges, and have recourse if what you purchased was damaged or not delivered.
With a debit card, however, your liability depends largely when you report the unauthorized charges to your bank. The worst case scenario is if you do not discover the fraudulent charges for more than 60 days after receiving the statement showing the activity, you could be held responsible for all charges after the 60 days. Even IF you do alert the bank within the 60 day period, you could still be responsible for up to $500. This is why it's important to periodically check your credit card charges online even before the statement is issued online or sent snail mail.
The Certified Divorce Financial Analysts at the Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado are trained to recognize and help divorcing spouses prepare for the financial realities of divorce and plan their futures. It only takes a 20 minute exploratory call to find out more.
Forms include: Asset Worksheet, Household Goods Inventory, Financial Checkup, Priorities Worksheet and Mandatory Financial Disclosures.
As Certified Divorce Financial Analysts who work with divorcing couples, we see many spouses who want to bury their heads in the sand even when their post divorce financial reality is staring them in the face. We believe that when you face your finances clear eyed and informed, with a forward facing plan, you can not only gain confidence but work towards financial independence post divorce.
Financial independence is when you have enough financial resources to pay your living expenses without being dependent on someone else or being employed. We recognize financial independence might seem like an audacious goal but it is possible with the right resources and commitment. You can gain the knowledge and lay the framework during and after your divorce.
Financial independence is NOT financial literacy. Financial literacy is the ability to understand and effectively apply various financial skills, including personal financial management, budgeting, and investing. Investopedia
In this blog we cover:
Before you head off on a road trip, you need to check the gas tank, right? One of the most important rules, and we can't stress this enough, is to PAY YOURSELF FIRST by contributing to your savings each month. If you don't look out for your future and instead pay all other expenses first, you might not have enough money to "make your trip."
Understand what your net take home pay is and how much your fixed, variable and discretionary expenses are. Fixed expenses are the same amount every time they're due and variable can change depending on usage, think utilities or water for instance.
As far as discretionary expenses go, if it's not groceries, rent or mortgage and utilities, it's essentially discretionary. A discretionary expense is something you can absolutely live without. For examples and a sample worksheet, see here.
Once you understand how much money you have coming in and going out, you are ready to implement a spending plan. A spending plan includes inputting your net income, your expenses and carves out what you can set aside to reach your goal. Your goal does not have to be financial independence, but without a goal, you are essentially monitoring inputs and outputs with the only "goal" of not being in debt. We want more for you and you should want that for yourself. Check out some other worthy financial goals.
Goodbye to adding machines, reams of receipt paper and spending late nights at your kitchen table and welcome to smart phone apps. It's important to find the one that works best for your lifestyle so be prepared to try more than one. The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado recommends YNAB.com, Mint, Quicken and Pocketguard.com. YNAB stands for "You Need a Budget," Mint.com is a widely popular and intuitive app, Quicken has more bells and whistles and integrates with your business and Pocketguard.com is like a watchdog always looking to save you money.
Your online banking platform may divide your expenses up into categories but there is a usually a lot of manual work on the user's end to ensure that it's an accurate representation of where your money is going. The choice is yours to use an app, or your bank or both, but the important part is to keep track regardless.
Traditional big bank options in the Denver Metro Area include Wells Fargo, Chase, and 1st Bank. The benefits of a big bank are the number of locations and ATMs and that they are usually first adopters when it comes to online banking features like Zelle and online bill pay. Credit unions are nonprofit member-owned version of a banks that, rather than pay their Presidents and CEOs outrageous salaries, return the profits in the form of lower rates to their members. Online only banking options we recommend include ally.com and capitalone360.com. To help you evaluate online banks, click here.
We understand concerns about the online safety of financial information, but with precautions, banking online is not only safe and convenient but can also save you headaches during and after a divorce. As long as you set up strong passwords that do not include any personal identifying information, store this information in a place only you can access, you are banking smarter and safer. You will only have to log on and not wait on hold to talk to a human, or a robot screener, when you have a question or an issue. It also means that your hardcopy financial statements don't end up at your home when you've moved to a new residence during the divorce.
Watch out for overdraft protection no matter what financial institution you choose. While having it can help when you've overdrawn your account, there's no such thing as a free lunch and many banks' overdraft fees will make you feel like you paid for a steak dinner with a bottle of wine.
When it comes to savings accounts, there are many to choose from. However, for our purposes, we're focused on deposit savings accounts and money market savings accounts. The main difference is that money market accounts may earn a higher interest rate since they are funded differently than deposit savings accounts. But this is not always true so check the fine print and shop around.
The FDIC, aka Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, insures all bank accounts up to $250,000. Note that this is per accountant not per customer so if you're a high roller, be sure to split your money into various accounts.
Our parting tips to face your financial fears head on include:
1) Just like in college or high school when you had an assignment or paper to complete, make sure your environment is set up in a way that invites calm. If you need to light a candle, play some light music or reward yourself with a glass of wine afterwards, cozy up with your statements and get clear on your priorities.
2) Break up tasks that seem overwhelming into three manageable parts. When you complete one part, you become more confident and able to handle the entire process.
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado will give you the tools to take control and gain confidence in your post divorce financial reality. We take a deep dive into your finances, the tax implications of divorce and provide a cash flow analysis to clients. Call us at 303 468-5626 or schedule a time to talk that works with your schedule.
Documents include: Asset Worksheet, Household Goods Inventory, Financial Checkup, Priorities Worksheet and Mandatory Financial Disclosures.
The first option is a DIY or do it yourself divorce. You may also hear “pro se” or “kitchen table divorce.” This kind of divorce requires that you download and file the divorce forms yourself. The cost is $250 plus the time it takes to complete the documents. A DIY divorce is best suited to marriages that were short in duration, where the couple owns few assets and has no children.
The advantages are that you can keep your privacy, only the fact that you’re divorced becomes public knowledge, while any details remain between the parties. The other obvious advantage is affordability when compared to a traditional divorce that can cost between $10,000-$30,000.
The disadvantages of a DIY divorce, if things go south, will negate the cost benefit. If either party misses something or complete the forms incorrectly, one or both of you will incur costs trying to fix mistakes. Or, if one party fails to uphold promises made in the divorce documents, they are not legally binding so you cannot use the courts or an attorney to enforce the issue. In a DIY divorce you can hire a divorce or family law attorney to review your documents at a rate that varies between $150-$250/hr. The cost to review would be a limited scope legal service. Look for attorneys who offer “unbundled services” as they complete tasks on an a la carte basis. Another drawback of a DIY marriage is that the forms fail to take into account what a post divorce financial reality will look like.
The second divorce option in Colorado is divorce mediation. Divorce mediation occurs when both parties agree that the marriage is over and they are committed to coming to an agreement. Both parties are free to consult with an attorney but the mediator is the one who works to bring the parties to a consensus to ensure a post divorce peace can be achieved. Divorce mediators come from a variety of backgrounds. In Colorado, they don’t have to pass a test or have a certification to be in business. Look for a mediator with experience, both in the number of mediations they have performed but also consider their background in family law, psychology or financial expertise. If you’re lucky, your mediation team will bring all of these elements to the table. The mediator works to ensure the settlement agreement is based on the family’s sense of fairness.
The advantages of divorce mediation are affordability, privacy, less stress and your ability to control the outcome. The cost of divorce mediation ranges between 5,000-10,000. Settlement agreements remain private, as do the particulars of said agreements. Contested divorces or divorces that become contentious and lead both parties to seek their own attorneys are stressful for the children as one side seeks to eek out a win against the other. Having control over the direction of your divorce correlates to less animosity. After all, you were a participant, so if you objected to something, you had the opportunity to do so in mediation.
The disadvantages of divorce mediation occur when you select a mediator who does not do their due diligence or is inexperienced. If one party has agreed to mediate but has a very difficult personality, seek a mediator who has experience with conflict resolution or dealing with difficult people.
The third divorce option is the collaborative divorce model. Deb Johnson of Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado and other divorce professionals helped pioneer this approach in Colorado twenty years ago. Collaborative divorce includes a team of four professionals. The first two are collaboratively trained attorneys chosen by each spouse. You will want to search for “attorneys in Colorado and collaborative law” The third team member is a financial professional with experience dividing assets, calculating future earnings and knowledge of divorce tax implications. The fourth team member is the mediator. The collaborative divorce process is needs based vs. the adversarial approach of a traditional divorce. There is full financial disclosure by both parties as the team works to gather, organize and manage the needs of both parties.
On the plus side, a collaborative approach is bringing together the most expertise to the process than a traditional divorce. In a traditional legal model you have the parties, an attorney and possibly a judge. Unless they are the rare exception, neither the judge nor attorneys are experts in the financial realities of divorce. A collaborative divorce is an option where there are tough issues involved but both parties realize that experts can help resolve some of the financial and emotional hurdles.
The disadvantages of a collaborative approach is that it costs more than mediation and DIY. Estimates vary but 10-20k is a range depending on the issues and time required to resolve them. All four divorce professionals have varying rates and need to be compensated for their time and expertise, driving up the cost. The timeline is longer than DIY or divorce mediation so expect six months to a year to complete the collaborative process.
At the onset, the attorneys and their clients sign an agreement that if collaborative divorce cannot be reached, everyone walks away and continues the divorce in a traditional or litigation model. This agreement operates as an incentive to continue to work collaboratively less you lose money and time.
The fourth way to become divorced in Colorado is via the traditional model. Despite the threat of a spouse saying, “I’ll see you in court.” more than 95% of divorces don’t end up in courtroom but are settled outside of court. The traditional divorce model is the pathway when one party does not agree to divorce. The divorce is contested which rules out the ability to go with the other three options.
The disadvantages of a traditional divorce are numerous. There is the cost of retaining an expensive divorce attorney. There is the public reveal of the particulars of your divorce. All parties are subject (read: at the whim of) the timelines and schedules of attorney and judges. There is no collaboration but instead an atmosphere of win or lose, take or be taken. People who are not experts in psychology or finance are the final arbiters of settlement agreement, maintenance and parenting plans. The timeline to completion ranges from a minimum of six months to a few years. If one of the attorneys misses something or is inexperienced it will cost more to hire another attorney to fix the problem. The issues are prioritized by an attorney even if the divorce stays out of court and if it goes to court, the issues are further streamlined to ensure ONLY the most pressing ones are worthy of the court’s time.
The main advantage of a traditional divorce is when one or both parties is unlikely to cooperate or keep a promise, the heavy hand of the law will enforce any agreements. Some people need court enforced boundaries and calls to act properly.
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado employs certified divorce financial analysts, a psychologist and divorce coach. All of our mediators are well versed with the collaborative law approach and with working with difficult personalities.
It’s important to know all of the divorce options available so you can make an informed and empowered choice that aligns with your family’s unique situation. In our complimentary 20-minute consultation, clients explain their situation and we can recommend ways to move forward. We invite you to call us at (303) 468-5626 or schedule a time to talk.
For Important Divorce Documents, Complete the Form Below!
Documents include: Asset Worksheet, Household Goods Inventory, Financial Checkup, Priorities Worksheet and Mandatory Financial Disclosures.
The second installment in our “Devil’s in the Divorce Details” series focuses on the crucial question, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
Our work is to examine and help couples solve the emotional and financial questions that arise with divorce. Whereas an attorney is working on behalf of one party in an effort to win the best outcome for them, we want the best outcome for the entire family. Financial and emotional factors cannot be compartmentalized and if approached that way, it could lead to an undesirable outcome for one or both spouses.
For instance, you LOVE the marital home. You shed blood, sweat, tears and a few cuss words creating a garden, painting all the walls and converting your basement into a place to paint and be creative. Deciding whether to stay in the marital home is colored by these emotions and also the financial reality of whether you can afford all of the maintenance and upkeep. If you look only at the associated costs and decide to sell, you will lose the pride and security you feel in your current home.
Only by asking questions can we determine that “unprepared” doesn’t mean that you don’t have your paperwork together, but that you’re not ready to deal with divorce emotionally. Or perhaps “unprepared” means you don’t know how to begin the conversation with your spouse. Divorce coaching can help with that. Acknowledge that usually “being ready” is a hurdle that you need to get clear about, and that there are divorce professionals if you need assistance.
Maybe you go to your friends for divorce help first. When they hear you say, “I’m not ready” they could offer objective advice like, “Here are the documents you should gather to understand your finances” They are confused why you seem frozen in place and don’t want to wade into your sea of emotions. Maybe talking about that is uncomfortable, brings up issues in their own lives or they don’t want to feel like they’re taking sides. Even if they help you sort out the emotional issues, unless they are also a financial advisor, chances are they won’t be able to assist you with that. Your friend’s duty is to just that, to be a friend and you shouldn’t expect them to function as your advisor.
“I’m just scared/worried” usually means you fear making the right decision. Is the fear personal or do you worry about your spouse’s reaction? Or are you reluctant to end the marriage because you think you should try harder to stay married? If it’s the latter, you may want to try counseling or find a new counselor. Understand that you, and ONLY you, know if you are making the right decision for YOUR life.
What happens to the person who is “not ready? They bury their head in the sand and ignore the issue. Their health suffers and they continue living a half full life.
What happens to the spouse who “scared?” They might make hasty decisions out of fear and experience unintended consequences.
Our divorce coach, psychologist and certified mediator, Suzanne Chambers Yates has created an acronym BEYOND to help you move forward so you are emotionally prepared for divorce.
For the second hurdle, not being financially prepared, it’s important to run through all the possible scenarios with a trusted, experienced financial advisor. DRCC's certified divorce financial analysts will scrutinize every area where money is concerned.
If you don’t want to give up the marital home, can you maintain it? Not only physically, but will you need to hire help or are you committed to doing it yourself? What stage are you at in life? Do you need to stay in a 2 story home with 4 bedrooms when it is just you? If the mortgage is much cheaper than moving to another single level residence, can you still afford all the associated costs like homeowner’s insurance?
You won’t be able to stay on your ex-spouse’s health insurance so understand your options. Can you afford to get it on your own? Does your employer have a plan?
Children under 18: Can you support your children without a second income when your parenting time is Monday through Friday and your spouse has them every other weekend?
Divorce after 50: Unlike couples that divorce in their early 30’s, you don’t have 25-30 years to rebuild and feel secure in your retirement. “Silver divorce” is more complicated at this stage in life because you don’t have the luxury of “waiting for the market to rebound.”
We mentioned homeowners but there’s also car, life and disability. Most life insurance policies are revocable, meaning the policy owner may change the beneficiary at any time. If your ex spouse will be contributing a majority of money to your children, do you have a backup plan if something happens to them and their new spouse becomes the beneficiary?
DRCC’s owner Deb Johnson says that financial stress is one of the hardest types of stress to deal with. Her opinion is backed up by research. People with greater financial stress have more symptoms of depression and anxiety than those who aren’t financially stressed, according to a 2013 study published in the journal Anxiety, Coping and Stress. Source
Clients tell us that much of the ‘fear of the unknown’ is gone and they feel more empowered after they begin working with us.
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado offers divorce financial analysis, divorce coaching and divorce mediation. Each family’s situation is unique and we offer two ways to take a step forward. The first is to schedule a complimentary 20 minute call or we can go into greater detail at our 90 minute initial consultation. Call 303 468-5626 to discuss.
Documents include: Asset Worksheet, Household Goods Inventory, Financial Checkup, Priorities Worksheet and Mandatory Financial Disclosures.
Sharing the same square footage 24/7 can either bring couples closer together or exacerbate already existing problems that were simmering just below the surface. If you find yourself in the latter camp, how do you begin to even investigate your divorce options?
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado is committed to helping families divorce peacefully, preserve their assets and create a stronger post divorce family. We're prepared to answer your questions, with or without a pandemic thrown into the mix.
You're running through a litany of questions related to what divorce will mean for you, your spouse, your children and your finances. In light of the unstable economy, you may worry about how to survive on one salary or worse, none if you become, or were already furloughed or laid off.
Our wealth of experience has led us to two questions we believe spouses must answer before they call an attorney or seek the assistance of a divorce mediator.
We delve into these in much more depth in a separate blog post but they bear repeating here.
If the answer to BOTH of these questions is a resounding yes, there is no reason you can't start the divorce process during COVID19.
If the answer to either question is unclear, we still recommend you consider what your post divorce life should look like. There's no harm in preparation that takes into account your guiding principles. For example, if you value stability in all matters, you intend for the children stay in their current home.
There is a lot of ground to cover in the divorce preparation process and that's how the role of a divorce coach came into being. We can't say it much better than the ABA, "divorce coaching is a flexible, goal-oriented process designed to support, motivate, and guide people going through divorce to help them make the best possible decisions for their future" Luckily for us, and you, Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado's Suzanne Chambers Yates is a Certified Divorce Coach.
Based on our experience, we created a divorce checklist on the bottom of our website's home page that encapsulates many of these pre-divorce considerations.
To get crystal clear about your priorities, write them out and be as specific as possible. If you wrote, "to have enough money to pay a mortgage or monthly rent" that makes sense, but have you considered whether your post divorce budget will include the money to continue your children's extra curricular activities?
We also recommend you complete an inventory of your valuable household items with the help of our Household Inventory Worksheet found at the bottom of this page.
The financial aspects of the divorce, which are just as important as the emotional, will be explored in two upcoming video segments on 5/22/20 and 5/29/20 on our page's Facebook Live.
Before you can answer the two questions above, you must have the tough conversation. Thinking through your "divorce talk" approach is crucial because it sets the tone for the entire divorce process. If you need advice on how to prepare, mediators and divorce coaches have the experience and are committed to a peaceful resolution. Compare this to an attorney who is ultimately concerned with the dissolution of the marriage and achieving the best outcome for the spouse who hired them.
As hard as it may be, you must be ready to listen to what your spouse wants. The conversation will be trying but it cannot be a monologue where you list out all the reasons your marriage should end.
We are available for a 20 minute complimentary phone consultation where we hear your specific situation and let you know about your divorce options.
We also offer a 90 minute session (in person or over video conference) with both parties to dive deeper into our holistic process and preview post divorce outcomes. You will walk away, or step away from your computer in the age of Zoom, being empowered and informed.
If you have other concerns, we can be reached at (303) 468-5626.
Documents include: Asset Worksheet, Household Goods Inventory, Financial Checkup, Priorities Worksheet and Mandatory Financial Disclosures.
Kate and Andrew came in for a consultation. Apparently Andrew convinced Kate to come to the meeting "just to gather information." Quickly it became clear that the topic of divorce had JUST been communicated to Kate. Without having the time to process, potentially seek counseling or meet with a divorce coach, Kate became filled with fear and rushed out to hire a lawyer. More than a year and thousands of dollars in attorney's fees later, they were finally divorced. Now, the children are in therapy and Kate and Andrew can only communicate via a smart phone app called "Talking Parents." This outcome is unfortunate and unnecessary; and it shows the importance of proper preparation.
The two questions you need to answer before beginning the divorce process:
If either of you is a no, it may not be the right time as beginning the process when the prospect of divorce is fresh is not a way to encourage meaningful communication.
Have you thought through how to start the conversation? It’s important because it sets the tone going forward. Figure out what your post divorce life will look like. Take the time to write it out. Work with the other person to decide on a date, time, a neutral location and ensure your children are out of earshot.
Often, when couples begin the divorce process they are not really ready for the divorce and this has the potential for an acrimonious divorce.
Alternatively, let’s say you want the divorce, but you are still questioning whether you can salvage the relationship. Wait until you feel the most analytical and not emotional and write out all the reasons.
In another scenario, maybe you don’t want the divorce but your spouse does. Make sure to remove any rose colored glasses and that the reality of the state of your marriage is not obscured by your hurt or fear.
Both of you will never get to mediation if one or both of you doesn’t understand what mediation is and is not and what the process entails.
What is mediation? You and your soon to be ex spouse decide the outcome of your divorce, not the court or an attorney. Mediators are the neutral third party who are trained in facilitating a solution that will serve both spouses’ needs. Rather than a judge, the spouses are in control of the outcome. Mediation is significantly less expensive than choosing the traditional attorney route and because the objective is not to win but to come to a mutual agreement. Mediation
Understand the logistics and timing of mediation – how many sessions will it take and how long will each session last? Remember to ask these questions in your consultation call. Any mediator who is worth considering is willing to educate you on the process and address your questions.
You might want to know what items are up for division or dispute. Have the facts to back up what things are worth.
Once you both understand what it is and what it entails, only then can you both affirmatively agree that mediation is the best choice for your post divorce family.
Make sure what you have in mind for your post divorce future is concrete and not emotional. Mediation is not the time to rehash the same old arguments you had that led you into mediation in the first place.
Whereas the conversation where you decide to divorce is best done in person (discussed more in #1) If you are more comfortable with the written word, write a letter or email to explain what you’ve learned about mediation.
Before you step into the mediator’s office think about preparing:
· A list of your concerns
· Potential solutions to your concerns
· Questions
· A list of assets, debts, and valuable personal property
· Financial documents needed to make decisions and substantiate values
Before you schedule a 90 initial consultation, be sure to have answers to whether both of you want a divorce and whether you both understand what mediation entails and that you’re entering it without a hidden agenda.
The staff at the Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado are prepared to answer your questions. You can reach us at (303) 468-5626.
Who: Divorce experts and financial planning professionals Deb Johnson and Suzanne Chambers Yates. Learn more about their experience here.
What: Frank conversations covering everything from "Do you Dare Divorce During COVID19?" to "How, When and What to Say to the Kids" and everything in between.
When: Every Friday beginning May 1st, 2020 at 2 PM MDT.
Where: Live on Divorce Resource Centre's Facebook page and later posted to individual blog posts and Youtube.
Installment 1: "Do I Dare Divorce During COVID19?" aired May 1, 2020
Installment 2: "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" aired May 8, 2020
Resources:
Child Centered Pledge - Part of a peaceful resolution means recognizing that your child(ren) should be priority #1. Both spouses refer to this pledge for guidance in all matters related to their children.
Household Inventory Worksheet - When divvying up household items, make an inventory, note ownership and determine if anything is up for discussion
Logistical and financial reasons top the list for why a couple who is undergoing divorce or who has already completed the process, might agree to share a home. Especially when one or both of the parties employment situation has changed for the worse or neither party can afford to live on their own. Given the staggeringly high average home prices in the Denver Metro area that appear to be unfazed even by global events like COVID19, former couples face the very real prospect of sharing space for weeks or even months.
Here are seven tips for same space survival with your soon to be ex-spouse:
Draw boundaries within your home. Define your personal space and ask your spouse to honor it. Get to know your their personal space and extend them the same courtesy. This can head off potential arguments and just makes common sense. After all, you’re not sharing a bed anymore, so why would you continue to commingle your personal items?
Remember this is not Logic 101. There will be no- if then statements like, “Joe will move out if and when he secures employment that pays x amount per month.” If there is no goal line, one or both of you may be reluctant to move out anytime soon. It may seem counterintuitive, after all, why would they want to share space when the relationship has deteriorated? Think about a nightmare roommate you’ve had. The same question applied to them. They may have had their own motivations to stay put or worse, no motivation at all, so a projected move out date can only serve to motivate them to keep their word.
Even if you’ve always texted to ask what they want for dinner, refrain from hitting send. Start sweating the small stuff. For example, without noticing it, you are still ending sentences with “honey” after so many years together. Slow down and be deliberate with your actions and words.
Treat your new arrangement as you would a roommate and create an agreement for both parties to sign. Cover payment of the mortgage, maintenance tasks and if one person has done the bulk of the household duties, specify what each person will be doing going forward. Otherwise someone will continue to wash, dry and fold clothes for the other and there may be bleach and shrinkage of fabrics and resentment. If it is important, it goes in the agreement.
Say the above suggestions work beautifully and you and your soon to be ex are getting along swimmingly. You start to become muddled on why you wanted to divorce in the first place. Be clear about your reasons why you want a divorce and make sure to write them down. You can refer back in the moments where nostalgia clouds your judgment.
Set boundaries, set a time and if you have children in the home, a private place to talk. Take turns speaking and if emotions escalate, take a time out. We’re not that different from 3rd graders when it comes down to it. If the topic of discussion is of grave importance, write down what you agree on and what you have not come to an agreement about. Agree to end a conversation after a certain time limit and stay on one topic. Propose more than one solution and remain open to new ways to solve the disagreement.
We suggest that divorce discussions not take place at this stressful time and while confined to the house. There is a better time and place to get into divorce discussions. If there are children involved, consider implementing a child centered pledge.
During times of financial insecurity, more ex couples consider the prospect of co-habitating until they’re both able to transition. We hope you find these suggestions helpful if you or someone you know will be living with an ex.
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado team works with clients to prepare them financially and emotionally toward a peaceful solution for both parties. Give them a call at (303) 468-5626 or go online to schedule your 20 minute phone or Zoom call with one of our divorce professionals.
Regardless of the steps parents have taken to minimize the stress divorce has on their children, some children may need coping tools and post divorce therapy to come to terms with this huge life change.
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado promotes peaceful resolutions and believes mediation is the pathway to changing the way society divorces. Peaceful resolutions are possible not just for the divorcing couple but also for their children. A collaborative divorce can lessen the stress on children of divorce since it often takes less time and children witness their parents coming to an agreement outside of the contentious nature of the courtroom.
If your child is having problems, how do you know whether they are likely to resolve on their own over time or when it’s time to seek outside help?
• Your child's symptoms aren't fleeting and persist over several weeks
• Your child's symptoms interfere with his or her normal functioning
• Your child's symptoms interfere with the normal functioning of your family
• You feel angry, exhausted, or disappointed with your child a lot of the time
• People you trust have expressed concern
• Your child asks to see a therapist (unusual, but not unheard of)
• Problems with eating or sleeping with no medical basis (including nightmares that don't go away)
• Excessive difficulties with separation
• A consistently (and persistently) sad or melancholy mood
• Physical complaints with no distinguishable cause (such as headaches or stomachaches) that don't go away with reassurance
• Disinterest in friends or trouble getting along with peers
• Deteriorating school performance
• Difficulty concentrating
• The new appearance of agitation or fidgetiness
• Extreme or unrealistic fears/phobias
• Excessive or public masturbation
• New or extreme accident proneness
• Decrease in self-esteem
• Fatigue or apathy with no medical basis
• Excessive weight loss or weight gain with no medical basis
• Aggressive behaviors toward self or others (such as biting, hitting, or scratching)
• Risky or acting out behaviors
• Constant rudeness and "talking back"
• Heavy drinking or drug use
• Stealing
• Excessive lying
• The appearance of obsessive or compulsive rituals (such as hand washing or pulling out hair)
• Preoccupation with death
• The wish to die ( Important note: If your child expresses a feeling that life is not worth living, get help right away -- do not take it upon yourself to determine if this is a "real" or "serious" problem.)
Bottom line: If you’re unsure, you can schedule a consultation. If your child does not need therapy, a well-trained clinician will tell you.
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado works with various trusted and vetted therapists who practice different methods to address the stress divorce has on children. Please contact us to learn more about these and other divorce professionals whose work compliments mediation.
