Kate and Andrew came in for a consultation. Apparently Andrew convinced Kate to come to the meeting "just to gather information." Quickly it became clear that the topic of divorce had JUST been communicated to Kate. Without having the time to process, potentially seek counseling or meet with a divorce coach, Kate became filled with fear and rushed out to hire a lawyer. More than a year and thousands of dollars in attorney's fees later, they were finally divorced. Now, the children are in therapy and Kate and Andrew can only communicate via a smart phone app called "Talking Parents." This outcome is unfortunate and unnecessary; and it shows the importance of proper preparation.
The two questions you need to answer before beginning the divorce process:
If either of you is a no, it may not be the right time as beginning the process when the prospect of divorce is fresh is not a way to encourage meaningful communication.
Have you thought through how to start the conversation? It’s important because it sets the tone going forward. Figure out what your post divorce life will look like. Take the time to write it out. Work with the other person to decide on a date, time, a neutral location and ensure your children are out of earshot.
Often, when couples begin the divorce process they are not really ready for the divorce and this has the potential for an acrimonious divorce.
Alternatively, let’s say you want the divorce, but you are still questioning whether you can salvage the relationship. Wait until you feel the most analytical and not emotional and write out all the reasons.
In another scenario, maybe you don’t want the divorce but your spouse does. Make sure to remove any rose colored glasses and that the reality of the state of your marriage is not obscured by your hurt or fear.
Both of you will never get to mediation if one or both of you doesn’t understand what mediation is and is not and what the process entails.
What is mediation? You and your soon to be ex spouse decide the outcome of your divorce, not the court or an attorney. Mediators are the neutral third party who are trained in facilitating a solution that will serve both spouses’ needs. Rather than a judge, the spouses are in control of the outcome. Mediation is significantly less expensive than choosing the traditional attorney route and because the objective is not to win but to come to a mutual agreement. Mediation
Understand the logistics and timing of mediation – how many sessions will it take and how long will each session last? Remember to ask these questions in your consultation call. Any mediator who is worth considering is willing to educate you on the process and address your questions.
You might want to know what items are up for division or dispute. Have the facts to back up what things are worth.
Once you both understand what it is and what it entails, only then can you both affirmatively agree that mediation is the best choice for your post divorce family.
Make sure what you have in mind for your post divorce future is concrete and not emotional. Mediation is not the time to rehash the same old arguments you had that led you into mediation in the first place.
Whereas the conversation where you decide to divorce is best done in person (discussed more in #1) If you are more comfortable with the written word, write a letter or email to explain what you’ve learned about mediation.
Before you step into the mediator’s office think about preparing:
· A list of your concerns
· Potential solutions to your concerns
· Questions
· A list of assets, debts, and valuable personal property
· Financial documents needed to make decisions and substantiate values
Before you schedule a 90 initial consultation, be sure to have answers to whether both of you want a divorce and whether you both understand what mediation entails and that you’re entering it without a hidden agenda.
The staff at the Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado are prepared to answer your questions. You can reach us at (303) 468-5626.
Who: Divorce experts and financial planning professionals Deb Johnson and Suzanne Chambers Yates. Learn more about their experience here.
What: Frank conversations covering everything from "Do you Dare Divorce During COVID19?" to "How, When and What to Say to the Kids" and everything in between.
When: Every Friday beginning May 1st, 2020 at 2 PM MDT.
Where: Live on Divorce Resource Centre's Facebook page and later posted to individual blog posts and Youtube.
Installment 1: "Do I Dare Divorce During COVID19?" aired May 1, 2020
Installment 2: "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" aired May 8, 2020
Resources:
Child Centered Pledge - Part of a peaceful resolution means recognizing that your child(ren) should be priority #1. Both spouses refer to this pledge for guidance in all matters related to their children.
Household Inventory Worksheet - When divvying up household items, make an inventory, note ownership and determine if anything is up for discussion
A home full of clutter, keepsakes and accumulated possessions can be overwhelming to anyone but when you’re faced with divorce it can be paralyzing. You have essentially four options: toss, keep, sell or donate. This blog post helps you know what items you need to toss.
Only toss items that cannot be repaired by you or easily by someone else who knows what they are doing. If the current value is less than the cost of repairing it, then toss and replace.
UPOs (unidentified plastic objects) get 30 days. If they're still a mystery one month later, into the trash they go. Examples that come to mind can be found in the closet of almost any child’s room or in a kitchen junk drawer.
It’s Paper but you Can Digitize it. Throw away old receipts you don’t need for tax day or for items you’re not returning. Then scan the rest or take pictures with your smartphone of the receipts, bills, and other financial papers, and store them in cyberspace.
Expired Medicines
In Colorado, you can visit these medication take back locations. If there’s no drop off near you, do not flush medications down the toilet as it can affect the water supply. Instead, follow these steps before medicine hits the trashcan:
“No More Wire Hangers!” If you’ve seen Mommy Dearest, you know just how frightening these can be. Instead of tossing hangers, take them to your local dry cleaners. They will save money from not having to buy as many new ones and you keep them out of the landfill.
Magazines: If they are recent, within the last year, donate magazines to your local library or take them to a nursing home. Making vision boards has become very popular so post magazines on NextDoor, Craigslist or Facebook marketplace for free so these items can find new owners.
Craft Supplies: Rather than toss these, you can post for free on the aforementioned websites or contact a school’s art program, daycare or after school program to see if they can use them.
Stained or torn clothing: Use solo socks for dusting, especially between blinds and for ceiling fan blades. Items that are soft and absorbent also work well as cleaning rags.
Future blog posts from the Divorce Resource Center will cover with what items to keep, sell, and donate. Stay tuned for more helpful tips and suggestions for your post divorce life.
