Kate and Andrew came in for a consultation. Apparently Andrew convinced Kate to come to the meeting "just to gather information." Quickly it became clear that the topic of divorce had JUST been communicated to Kate. Without having the time to process, potentially seek counseling or meet with a divorce coach, Kate became filled with fear and rushed out to hire a lawyer. More than a year and thousands of dollars in attorney's fees later, they were finally divorced. Now, the children are in therapy and Kate and Andrew can only communicate via a smart phone app called "Talking Parents." This outcome is unfortunate and unnecessary; and it shows the importance of proper preparation.
The two questions you need to answer before beginning the divorce process:
If either of you is a no, it may not be the right time as beginning the process when the prospect of divorce is fresh is not a way to encourage meaningful communication.
Have you thought through how to start the conversation? It’s important because it sets the tone going forward. Figure out what your post divorce life will look like. Take the time to write it out. Work with the other person to decide on a date, time, a neutral location and ensure your children are out of earshot.
Often, when couples begin the divorce process they are not really ready for the divorce and this has the potential for an acrimonious divorce.
Alternatively, let’s say you want the divorce, but you are still questioning whether you can salvage the relationship. Wait until you feel the most analytical and not emotional and write out all the reasons.
In another scenario, maybe you don’t want the divorce but your spouse does. Make sure to remove any rose colored glasses and that the reality of the state of your marriage is not obscured by your hurt or fear.
Both of you will never get to mediation if one or both of you doesn’t understand what mediation is and is not and what the process entails.
What is mediation? You and your soon to be ex spouse decide the outcome of your divorce, not the court or an attorney. Mediators are the neutral third party who are trained in facilitating a solution that will serve both spouses’ needs. Rather than a judge, the spouses are in control of the outcome. Mediation is significantly less expensive than choosing the traditional attorney route and because the objective is not to win but to come to a mutual agreement. Mediation
Understand the logistics and timing of mediation – how many sessions will it take and how long will each session last? Remember to ask these questions in your consultation call. Any mediator who is worth considering is willing to educate you on the process and address your questions.
You might want to know what items are up for division or dispute. Have the facts to back up what things are worth.
Once you both understand what it is and what it entails, only then can you both affirmatively agree that mediation is the best choice for your post divorce family.
Make sure what you have in mind for your post divorce future is concrete and not emotional. Mediation is not the time to rehash the same old arguments you had that led you into mediation in the first place.
Whereas the conversation where you decide to divorce is best done in person (discussed more in #1) If you are more comfortable with the written word, write a letter or email to explain what you’ve learned about mediation.
Before you step into the mediator’s office think about preparing:
· A list of your concerns
· Potential solutions to your concerns
· Questions
· A list of assets, debts, and valuable personal property
· Financial documents needed to make decisions and substantiate values
Before you schedule a 90 initial consultation, be sure to have answers to whether both of you want a divorce and whether you both understand what mediation entails and that you’re entering it without a hidden agenda.
The staff at the Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado are prepared to answer your questions. You can reach us at (303) 468-5626.
Who: Divorce experts and financial planning professionals Deb Johnson and Suzanne Chambers Yates. Learn more about their experience here.
What: Frank conversations covering everything from "Do you Dare Divorce During COVID19?" to "How, When and What to Say to the Kids" and everything in between.
When: Every Friday beginning May 1st, 2020 at 2 PM MDT.
Where: Live on Divorce Resource Centre's Facebook page and later posted to individual blog posts and Youtube.
Installment 1: "Do I Dare Divorce During COVID19?" aired May 1, 2020
Installment 2: "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" aired May 8, 2020
Resources:
Child Centered Pledge - Part of a peaceful resolution means recognizing that your child(ren) should be priority #1. Both spouses refer to this pledge for guidance in all matters related to their children.
Household Inventory Worksheet - When divvying up household items, make an inventory, note ownership and determine if anything is up for discussion
Logistical and financial reasons top the list for why a couple who is undergoing divorce or who has already completed the process, might agree to share a home. Especially when one or both of the parties employment situation has changed for the worse or neither party can afford to live on their own. Given the staggeringly high average home prices in the Denver Metro area that appear to be unfazed even by global events like COVID19, former couples face the very real prospect of sharing space for weeks or even months.
Here are seven tips for same space survival with your soon to be ex-spouse:
Draw boundaries within your home. Define your personal space and ask your spouse to honor it. Get to know your their personal space and extend them the same courtesy. This can head off potential arguments and just makes common sense. After all, you’re not sharing a bed anymore, so why would you continue to commingle your personal items?
Remember this is not Logic 101. There will be no- if then statements like, “Joe will move out if and when he secures employment that pays x amount per month.” If there is no goal line, one or both of you may be reluctant to move out anytime soon. It may seem counterintuitive, after all, why would they want to share space when the relationship has deteriorated? Think about a nightmare roommate you’ve had. The same question applied to them. They may have had their own motivations to stay put or worse, no motivation at all, so a projected move out date can only serve to motivate them to keep their word.
Even if you’ve always texted to ask what they want for dinner, refrain from hitting send. Start sweating the small stuff. For example, without noticing it, you are still ending sentences with “honey” after so many years together. Slow down and be deliberate with your actions and words.
Treat your new arrangement as you would a roommate and create an agreement for both parties to sign. Cover payment of the mortgage, maintenance tasks and if one person has done the bulk of the household duties, specify what each person will be doing going forward. Otherwise someone will continue to wash, dry and fold clothes for the other and there may be bleach and shrinkage of fabrics and resentment. If it is important, it goes in the agreement.
Say the above suggestions work beautifully and you and your soon to be ex are getting along swimmingly. You start to become muddled on why you wanted to divorce in the first place. Be clear about your reasons why you want a divorce and make sure to write them down. You can refer back in the moments where nostalgia clouds your judgment.
Set boundaries, set a time and if you have children in the home, a private place to talk. Take turns speaking and if emotions escalate, take a time out. We’re not that different from 3rd graders when it comes down to it. If the topic of discussion is of grave importance, write down what you agree on and what you have not come to an agreement about. Agree to end a conversation after a certain time limit and stay on one topic. Propose more than one solution and remain open to new ways to solve the disagreement.
We suggest that divorce discussions not take place at this stressful time and while confined to the house. There is a better time and place to get into divorce discussions. If there are children involved, consider implementing a child centered pledge.
During times of financial insecurity, more ex couples consider the prospect of co-habitating until they’re both able to transition. We hope you find these suggestions helpful if you or someone you know will be living with an ex.
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado team works with clients to prepare them financially and emotionally toward a peaceful solution for both parties. Give them a call at (303) 468-5626 or go online to schedule your 20 minute phone or Zoom call with one of our divorce professionals.
Regardless of the steps parents have taken to minimize the stress divorce has on their children, some children may need coping tools and post divorce therapy to come to terms with this huge life change.
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado promotes peaceful resolutions and believes mediation is the pathway to changing the way society divorces. Peaceful resolutions are possible not just for the divorcing couple but also for their children. A collaborative divorce can lessen the stress on children of divorce since it often takes less time and children witness their parents coming to an agreement outside of the contentious nature of the courtroom.
If your child is having problems, how do you know whether they are likely to resolve on their own over time or when it’s time to seek outside help?
• Your child's symptoms aren't fleeting and persist over several weeks
• Your child's symptoms interfere with his or her normal functioning
• Your child's symptoms interfere with the normal functioning of your family
• You feel angry, exhausted, or disappointed with your child a lot of the time
• People you trust have expressed concern
• Your child asks to see a therapist (unusual, but not unheard of)
• Problems with eating or sleeping with no medical basis (including nightmares that don't go away)
• Excessive difficulties with separation
• A consistently (and persistently) sad or melancholy mood
• Physical complaints with no distinguishable cause (such as headaches or stomachaches) that don't go away with reassurance
• Disinterest in friends or trouble getting along with peers
• Deteriorating school performance
• Difficulty concentrating
• The new appearance of agitation or fidgetiness
• Extreme or unrealistic fears/phobias
• Excessive or public masturbation
• New or extreme accident proneness
• Decrease in self-esteem
• Fatigue or apathy with no medical basis
• Excessive weight loss or weight gain with no medical basis
• Aggressive behaviors toward self or others (such as biting, hitting, or scratching)
• Risky or acting out behaviors
• Constant rudeness and "talking back"
• Heavy drinking or drug use
• Stealing
• Excessive lying
• The appearance of obsessive or compulsive rituals (such as hand washing or pulling out hair)
• Preoccupation with death
• The wish to die ( Important note: If your child expresses a feeling that life is not worth living, get help right away -- do not take it upon yourself to determine if this is a "real" or "serious" problem.)
Bottom line: If you’re unsure, you can schedule a consultation. If your child does not need therapy, a well-trained clinician will tell you.
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado works with various trusted and vetted therapists who practice different methods to address the stress divorce has on children. Please contact us to learn more about these and other divorce professionals whose work compliments mediation.
The relationship between certified divorce financial analysts and family law attorneys can be complicated. Each are trained to reach the best possible outcome for their clients and both are regarded as experts in their fields. Despite the appearance of competition, we believe cooperation between attorneys and CDFAs can best serve divorcing spouses.
Attorneys who handle a large number of divorces are not in the business of ensuring that every financial stone has been turned over. Once the divorce is finalized it is up to the parties to make sure the division of assets and any payments agreed upon are made. If a divorce attorney with a hefty caseload sees the value in a certified divorce financial analyst, it is usually only as a post settlement referral.
Attorneys must recognize that their clients assume they are financial experts in addition to being experts in negotiation and divorce law. An attorney must decide if they can be all things to all people. It’s a struggle between being a subject matter expert or wearing many hats. Your clients want to know that you can handle their complicated financial situation but also want to know you can also deftly handle child custody, maintenance and property division too. Lawyers have proven themselves in the study of law, a discipline of staggering breadth and can benefit from bringing in a CDFA with the financial expertise they didn't gain in law school. The client benefits and the attorney has more time to spend on the legal ramifications of divorce without being sidelined with burdensome research.
Many attorneys and CDFAs believe that since they are working with the same clientele, there must be competition and it’s an all or nothing proposition. Either the client works with a divorce attorney OR chooses mediation and works with a CDFA, or other advisor. We believe the choices are not mutually exclusive - but complementary.
Money stresses are often a major contributor to divorce and the financial implications post divorce are best understood and explained by a CDFA with rigorous financial training. If necessary, a CDFA can testify to matters in court as a neutral expert, or may work on behalf of both parties or for one spouse. Contrast this with a paralegal who works at the direction of the lawyer. Your clients will appreciate that you understand the consequences of financial projections and trust your expert opinion to bring in a professional.
While CPAs do an excellent job of estimating tax ramifications today, they are not accustomed to making future projections – like where their clients will live post-divorce or what future housing will cost. CDFAs look at the lost income effects, investment vehicles, and events that trigger taxes as well as the percentage of assets that clients plan to use for living expenses that triggers a taxable event. CDFAs, unlike CPAs, are client facing and expected to be able to distill financial speak into digestible pieces.
Having a working relationship with a CDFA frees up attorneys to focus their time on the legal issues of their divorce cases without learning or relearning financial issues regarding divorce, ie tax implications, cash-flow, etc. Additionally, CDFAs can prevent their clients from signing a marital settlement agreement that might hurt them in the future.
If an attorney makes a financial mistake, they could face a claim of malpractice. Ensure against this by hiring a CDFA since they are certified in all the financial nuances of divorce, including taxation and pension valuation. By working together as a team, the lawyers are able to shift some of their malpractice liability to the CDFA who must maintain professional liability insurance coverage.
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado is led by Deb Johnson, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst and Suzanne Chamber- Yates, a certified divorce coach and Collaborative Divorce Facilitator. Both are professional mediators who have worked with many attorneys in the Denver Metro area.
If you are interested in continuing the conversation of how a CDFA can assist your legal practice, let's schedule a time to talk. You can reach us directly at deb@drcofcolorado.com and schambersyates@drcofcolorado.com
Selling a home while going through a divorce is unique and not every realtor has specialized knowledge. That's why you may want to hire a realtor who is credentialed in this area. Consider all of the factors that could contribute to financial disaster. First, the marital home is usually the couple’s largest asset. Second, many couples, even if they are not divorcing because of money, are not immune from a financial battle over what will happen to the home. Third, selling a home is already an emotional process and in the case of divorcing spouses, compounded by the emotional and physical separation of divorce. Finally, divorce has an effect on the open communication a realtor needs to facilitate a sale that benefits both parties.
Thankfully, there are certifications you can look for when selecting a relator. One of the most highly respected is CDRE or Certified Divorce Real Estate Agent, bestowed upon agents who complete the Ilumni Institute’s rigorous 5 day certification program. A second certification, offered by Carol Wilson is a Certified Real Estate Divorce Specialist designation. A Realtor uses CREDS or REDS after their name to signify they have completed this coursework.
Questions to Ask a Realtor who Specializes in Divorce
No matter what designation your realtor has, you should ask each agent specific questions about their references, number of homes sold, and experience selling homes during divorce proceedings.
It’s also a good idea to ask hypothetical questions about potential conflicts that might arise and ask how they would handle the situation. For example, what if your soon to be ex spouse wants to spend money to make improvements before the sale but you prefer to sell the home as is? Ask the realtor how he/she would handle this dilemma and evaluate whether they could help come to a solution that both of you can live with.
Realtors who specialize in divorce understand can explain legal jargon and tax issues. CREDS, REDS, or CDRE designated agents are trained in the legal and tax aspects of the divorce process as it relates to real estate. They learn obscure legal rulings, regulations and tax implications. This specific training allows them to help their divorcing clients take advantage of tax laws that are specific to selling a house in the divorce.
A successful home sale during divorce requires more than proficiency in legal and tax implications. After all, the sale is just as much emotional as it is strategic. This is where an agent’s soft skills are tested. If possible, schedule an in person meeting to assess the realtor’s communication skills. E-mails and phone calls only reveal snippets of how the realtor will be able to address your unique situation.
Look for an agent who is fair, level-headed, listens and is good at negotiation. While you could read reviews, any realtor who is worth talking to should be willing to share references from other divorcing couples who they have helped.
Even if your income was relatively consistent before the divorce, there is a good chance that the divorce is going to have financial repercussions.
Post divorce you may need to pay attorney or mediation fees, child support, spousal support, divide up savings and investments, etc. It is possible that you will end up with considerably less money after the divorce or more financial obligations – like taking care of children on your own. A realtor who specializes in divorce is aware of these possibilities and will help you determine what you can afford and if the mortgage payment would be sustainable.
To recap, the sale of your marital home warrants due diligence. Divorcing couples should take the time to interview and select a credentialed agent who is experienced, well regarded, and has the soft skills necessary to negotiate the sale. Despite the need to “wash your hands” of the home, the sale should not be rushed without considering these factors. A realtor who is CREDS or CDRE certified is in the best position to understand your emotional and financial needs.
A few common objections to seeking out a therapist include,
Let’s face it. Many of us are not self-aware and often our friends and family don’t want to, for good reason, involve themselves in our lives, Not that you were soliciting their advice anyways, but even if you were, how candid or helpful do you think they will be? They may be struggling with problems that you’re unaware of and unable to offer support even if they wanted to.
So you’re the do-it-yourself kind of person and you’ve never met a problem that you didn’t tackle yourself? The human brain is a complicated beast and your happiness is not a weekend warrior kind of project. How well can we really understand everything going on in our brains, especially when we are stressed with a divorce?
Want proof that we’re not as self-aware as we think we are? As stated by Dr. Tasha Eurich in this article, 95 percent of people believe they are self-aware. In reality, only 10 percent to 15 percent actually merit the “self-aware” badge.
Furthermore, how long have you been trying to heal yourself? Are you giving yourself enough time and grace? What steps are you taking to get to a better mental space?
Talking about your thoughts and feelings with a supportive, trained professional has been shown to aid in healing. Having someone who listens and can help you understand why you’re making the choices you’re making and how to adopt new ways of reacting can be instrumental to get you from intention to fruition.
Therapy is not reserved just for those with diagnosed mental conditions. Comparing what is going on in your life with anyone else is an exercise in futility. If something is impeding your ability to live a happy fulfilling life, then it needs to be addressed. We rely on doctors to help us with our physical health so why would we think we can go it alone when it comes to our mental health?
This could stem from a bad experience with therapy, or a loss of trust if you’ve confided in a friend or family member. There is likely shame from a failed marriage and people’s typical response to a divorce announcement reinforces that it is something to feel bad about. Consider, the oft used, “I’m so sorry” or “That must be very difficult” when in reality, continuing in your marriage would have led to an even worse outcome that the filing of divorce.
Even though divorce is common, society has not fully embraced that it is not always an acrimonious battle. Consider how common it is when someone announces that they’re looking to file for divorce and someone responds, “You’ll need a lawyer. I know a great divorce attorney” or the person, similar to their approach with therapy, “I just need to figure some stuff out online or with a book. I can do a DIY divorce.” Of course there are instances where you should hire a divorce attorney or the division of assets is so simple a DIY divorce works, but there are also instances where mediation and therapy would be most beneficial.
The Divorce Resource Centre of Colorado has established relationships with therapists and can make a recommendation for one that may best fit your individual needs. We understand a holistic approach to divorce is one way to “change the way society divorces, one couple at a time.”
When faced with a divorce we look for answers in self help books, friends, family, exercise, mediation, and therapy. Any or all of these methods can be useful but what if you hire a life coach? Is there something stopping you from seeking the help of a life coach after your divorce?
Perhaps it is unclear what a life coach does. Besides that, do you specifically need one? Lastly, maybe you think it’s indulgent to hire a life coach. Let’s address each of these reasons in order.
A life coach is someone with experience who brings enthusiastic support, an objective perspective and insight to help you identify what is holding you back from living your best life. A coach helps you grow by examining your current situation, identifying limiting beliefs and potential challenges and devises a custom plan of action designed to get you where you want to be. Life coaches are not meant to help you overcome mental health challenges as they are not trained therapists. Instead a life coach can help you map out the steps you need to complete to take better control of your life. They are sometimes called mentors or in the case of December’s featured Power Partner, a “life choreographer”
Beyond the available methods listed to help people navigate their divorce and post divorce life, are you a good candidate for a life coach? Sure they can help people, but are you THAT person?
Here are a few signs that a life coach may be able to help you:
1. You are not sure where to begin to get your life back on track.
A life coach can help you get to the starting point where you can begin to map out the steps you need to take.
2. You have a vision of what you would like your life to look like but you are unclear of how to create a plan of action.
A coach can organize and clarify what you have envisioned so you can plot next steps.
3. You need accountability.
A life coach will remind you to stick to your plan and will check in with you often. Your success is their success.
4. You’ve tried the go it alone route and it causes you unnecessary stress and burnout.
A life coach provides that level of support you are not going to get, nor should you expect, from others in your life such as family and friends.
5. You think it’s indulgent to hire a life coach
Wrong! An indulgence is doing something that you enjoy even if it has negative consequences. Common negative consequences include regret or shame. Charging an expensive necklace on your VISA when you don’t have the money to pay it off would be an indulgence. You might be wracked with stress and regret once you realize you won’t be able to afford something that is a need and not a want. Taking care of yourself after a divorce is not an indulgence. By exploring how you can get to a better place mentally you are practicing self-care which will lead to growth, insight and taking steps to recover from the major life change of divorce.
Our December Power Partner, Lora Cheadle is a life choreographer who empowers high achieving women to reveal their smart, sexy, spiritual selves so they can fall in love with their bodies, themselves and their lives, and enjoy everything they’ve worked so hard to create.
Before you hire Lora or any other life coach, get to know them through their blogs, books and events to see if your personalities mesh well. The Divorce Resource Centre has come to know life coaches and other partners who help divorcing couples and will refer our clients to those that have our trust and respect.
A home full of clutter, keepsakes and accumulated possessions can be overwhelming to anyone but when you’re faced with divorce it can be paralyzing. You have essentially four options: toss, keep, sell or donate. This blog post helps you know what items you need to toss.
Only toss items that cannot be repaired by you or easily by someone else who knows what they are doing. If the current value is less than the cost of repairing it, then toss and replace.
UPOs (unidentified plastic objects) get 30 days. If they're still a mystery one month later, into the trash they go. Examples that come to mind can be found in the closet of almost any child’s room or in a kitchen junk drawer.
It’s Paper but you Can Digitize it. Throw away old receipts you don’t need for tax day or for items you’re not returning. Then scan the rest or take pictures with your smartphone of the receipts, bills, and other financial papers, and store them in cyberspace.
Expired Medicines
In Colorado, you can visit these medication take back locations. If there’s no drop off near you, do not flush medications down the toilet as it can affect the water supply. Instead, follow these steps before medicine hits the trashcan:
“No More Wire Hangers!” If you’ve seen Mommy Dearest, you know just how frightening these can be. Instead of tossing hangers, take them to your local dry cleaners. They will save money from not having to buy as many new ones and you keep them out of the landfill.
Magazines: If they are recent, within the last year, donate magazines to your local library or take them to a nursing home. Making vision boards has become very popular so post magazines on NextDoor, Craigslist or Facebook marketplace for free so these items can find new owners.
Craft Supplies: Rather than toss these, you can post for free on the aforementioned websites or contact a school’s art program, daycare or after school program to see if they can use them.
Stained or torn clothing: Use solo socks for dusting, especially between blinds and for ceiling fan blades. Items that are soft and absorbent also work well as cleaning rags.
Future blog posts from the Divorce Resource Center will cover with what items to keep, sell, and donate. Stay tuned for more helpful tips and suggestions for your post divorce life.
The idea of making new friends as an adult can be intimidating in general. The prospect of navigating your post divorce social life can be downright debilitating. In this post, we cover how to talk to your friends, make a clean break from others and gain new friendships.
We get it. You could bcc your mutual friends using email to tell them what's going on and cover a lot of ground. Resist the urge. Divorce is personal so when dealing with your close friends, have the decency to pick up the phone. After all, do you want it to become a reply all nightmare? Same advice for text, it may be simple but text, just like email, can be misinterpreted and unless you and your spouse craft a message together, it is likely to only be one party’s point of view.
Understand that if they are friends with both of you, they may be in unchartered waters and would appreciate some input. Let them know whether it’s ok to invite both of you to social events.
Accept that some of your friends that you met through your ex will pledge their loyalty to them no matter what you say or do. Even if there is dirty laundry and you weren’t the one in the wrong, their mindset is stuck in 1st grade and they won’t switch alliances.
What about friendships made when you were together? If you are able to continue adult discussions, factor friendships into the equation. If you are very close with other married couples, start here. Most often, the division will fall along gender lines. Be aware that even though divorce is not a communicable disease, your divorce may trigger something in still married couples and they may begin to phase you out of their lives. The inner workings of their mind will remain a mystery and you should not concern yourself.
Volunteerism:
Whether you are on the board of a nonprofit, or seeking a monthly hands on activity, sites like Eventbrite, Facebook events and Volunteer Match pair organizations with volunteers who work alongside like minded peers.
Health and Fitness:
You can even dip your toe into the world of workout buddies online. There are Facebook and Meetup groups for people doing Weight Watchers or 6 or 12 week fitness programs. If you join one of these groups, you can view their Facebook profile before you reach out to meet in person to workout.
Colorado has many recreational co-ed sports leagues like Sports Monster and WASA where you can play soccer, kickball, etc. If you live in a less active area, your local gym or recreation center will have group classes for a similar effect.
Networking Groups:
If you are a working professional, or better yet a business owner or entrepreneur, attending a networking events or joining an association is a surefire way to expand your professional and personal networks. Avoid networking groups that are completely leads based and select groups that have weekday coffee, evening cocktails and seminar or classroom events, conducive to learning a new program or skill.
In future blogs, we’ll address the post divorce pitfalls you may encounter online and at the holiday dinner table. A mediator ensures clients are equipped to handle their post divorce reality and that includes financial and emotional concerns.
